About

I am absolutely certain that God never stopped fighting for me. You may call him Spirit, Universe, or God. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know the actual day it happened but I do know when I finally fell to my knees and surrendered to Him that my life started over. It was as if the mistakes I had made were completely wiped clean and I stopped trying to control everything and everyone.

Looking in from the outside, no one would have guessed that I was suffering. I wasn’t being physically or mentally abused. I had a successful career, knew all the right people, and was well liked. I gave speeches and went to parties. I was a workaholic who was fiercely competitive and ultra-materialistic. People thought I had it all. I was obsessed with being relevant. Significance was my idol and I did everything I could to feel important.

I grew up in a small town in Northern California, the child of simple and successful parents determined to make their mark. Although they were in my life, they weren’t “present” or intentional about how they were raising me. My mother was especially driven. Looking back, I wish my parents had given me stronger values, had understood that loving me meant they sometimes needed to put me in my place and teach me life’s tough lessons. But ours was not a family to have those kinds of conversations and I truly believe they were doing the best they could.

I was born smart, confident, and resilient. I literally thought the world revolved around me. I pushed to be the best at everything. I drove to achieve and relished the attention it brought – the attention I got for an instant as my parents shared my achievements with others. I quickly learned to avoid anything I wasn’t good at because my ego was too fragile to take it. I lived to impress. Fortunately, I had a loving, selfless Grandmother who cultivated a sense of compassion in me while I was striving to achieve. Her example saved me from deliberately hurting anyone in my quest to get ahead.

As I shared earlier I have an older sister who has struggled with her mental health and happiness since I was a young. Becoming her savior whenever she was struggling became a huge part of my identity and caused me a lot of suffering and pain. Although I don’t blame her for my challenges, I have learned how trying to save her, distracted me from my purpose and my own life.

Everything I did was about seeking power and status until one day my life shattered and I realized I was miserable. By the summer of 2002, I was suffering; suffering from a condition of my own creation. I was full of discontent, anxiety, fear, worry, and shame. A trio of rapid events during that time forced me to stop and take a real look at my life. First my 57-year-old mother was diagnosed with dementia. Then I had to sever ties with my sister who was in a volatile relationship and going through a lot at the time. The final straw was my beloved grandmother being diagnosed, and then dying, from cancer within a few short months. The stress was incredible. I couldn’t sleep. I was overweight. There was no peace. I could only quiet my brain after drinking several drinks a night. These events became the catalyst for my awakening.

After my daughter was born in 2003, I knew something had to change. I threw myself into searching for answers, the same way I had thrown myself into my work. I started with my physical body, getting my weight and body image under control. Once my body was healthy I had the energy to do the more demanding work of becoming my authentic self. I spent the next fifteen years doing psychology research, attending spiritual and personal growth conferences, and reading self-help books. I became full of wisdom and had all the tools, but it wasn’t until 2014 when I turned 40 and I let my walls down and let God in that I truly started to find true peace and joy. This was after my marriage ended and my sister had her first major psychotic break.

My journey before that included the birth of my son, the mortgage industry imploding, my home burning down, a major career change, my mother dying, and my dad having a major stroke. I have had my fair share of life’s problems that led me to surrender.

I am a mother, a mortgage industry executive, a published author, and speaker. Over the last 15 years I have tried everything and failed many times but I don’t regret a minute of any of it. I am so grateful that this journey has led me to my current life.

My life now is filled with love, faith, forgiveness, acceptance, patience, and discipline. It is also filled with lots of laughter. My old patterns and programming still show up trying to push me to revert to past preferences and habits that only created conflict and negativity but my Big Voice overpowers them. I share my story to give you the hope that you can also cultivate a new identity and write a new or modified story for yourself. I know it may sound scary but you aren’t throwing away everything. You can keep the parts that you like. We are just ridding ourselves of self-doubt, criticism, worry, shame, pain, anxiety, and fear. Your Little Voice or ego will no longer dominate your thinking or decisions, nor steal your joy.

Now I have purpose and meaning. I live each day with gratitude. The feeling I had years ago of having a calling has been revealed. God has asked me to help other women who might be on the same journey: women who have created their own silent self-suffering. He has helped me find my Big Voice. Through His guidance, I have translated lessons, wisdom and tools from other amazing writers, speakers, and pastors for you to use in your own awakening. He has shown me a path that will bring you joy, excitement, and the certainty that your life is truly guided and divine. Although I am a Christian, this book will help any woman that believes in a higher power. I invite you to come walk this path with me.