Of course, you can always keep people pleasing, but if you don’t prioritize yourself, it will catch up to you through burnout. It’s time to leave people pleasing behind, develop strong boundaries and become someone who appreciates and pours into themselves. 

Why We People Please

People-pleasing is often a distraction mechanism we use when we believe putting others before ourselves is the right decision to choose to make sure everyone else around you stays happy. 

This can arise from roles where mediation might occur; it could have to do with birth order, parents, family and home life, or friendship and workplace dynamics. Women in general tend to be more nurturing or fall into roles where we’re expected to be nurturing, so we tend to give more than we receive. There’s nothing wrong with being a giver, as long as we make sure we’re giving from a full cup. If you pour and pour and pour into others, you’ll wind up feeling empty. 

Other times, people-pleasing can arise when you’re trying to distract yourself from working on self-improvement and taking care of yourself. Focusing your energy on others and taking care of them might seem easier than doing self-work. 

At some point, you have to face the person you see in the mirror and realize they matter, too. You deserve to receive as much as you give.

Pass on People Pleasing

The first thing you need to do is to admit you’re a recovering people pleaser and have awareness of this pattern. Get committed to putting yourself first. 

For me, it starts with my morning ritual where I set the tone for my entire day. I wake up early, journal, set my goals and visions, and it serves as a reminder to my brain to remain focused on the things I’m trying to create and goals I’m trying to reach. I now find myself saying no often because things don’t align with my priorities, where in the past I would’ve said yes. 

The next step is to get introspective and look closer at the patterns where people-pleasing pops up; ask yourself when and where it seems to happen in your life. It could be with certain people, places or things, like a boss, family, friends, or your job. 

Now you’ll notice patterns to help you set strong intentions. When you start with self-awareness and discovering where people pleasing comes from, you can better decide how to set intentions that help you put yourself first. 

A good way to keep track of this daily is to write into a journal:

1. Where do I notice patterns of people pleasing in my life? With who, and in what situations?
2. What intentions and goals or boundaries do I need to set for myself to take ownership of my life?

This involves radical commitment to putting yourself first by re-evaluating situations and prioritizing yourself every day. Take stock and inventory of your convictions. Give yourself space and grace before entering each day.  Others may be used to you being a people pleaser but it’s time you take your power back and realize this is about you taking ownership of the goals in your life. 

Build Better Boundaries 

The next step you need to take is building better boundaries, otherwise, people pleasing will cause you to sacrifice your wellbeing. 

Oftentimes we’re sacrificing our own vision for how we want to feel, or our goals for where we want to go in order to make others happy. Making note of these things, though, how you want to feel and what your goals are, will help guide the kind of boundaries you need to keep to be successful.  

In the past, I’ve made myself smaller to make others more comfortable, but then I’m being inauthentic to myself. This inauthenticity has the power to crush energy and spirit long-term.  

Some people might be unused to you saying “no” and setting or holding boundaries, but it’s important that you’re true to yourself anyway. The right people will recognize this as a sign of growth and learn to embrace it, because having a full cup matters! 

Learn to Put Yourself First 

Look back at your life and think about times where you’ve put others first at the sake of your own wellbeing, comfort or happiness. Perhaps it was an instance where you wanted to say no, but for whatever reason, you found yourself saying “yes” and later feeling guilt or shame about it later because you pushed your own boundaries. 

There are varying degrees to learning how to put yourself first; it can be as simple as saying no to a night out with friends because you’re tired, scheduling time to practice self-care by building a routine, limiting the time you spend scrolling on your phone, or taking care of your mental and physical health. 

I suggest checking in with yourself at the end of the day to see how well you stuck to your goals and boundaries and re-evaluating what you might do better next time.Journaling is a great way to hold yourself accountable, notice more patterns and reflect on your experiences as you learn to put yourself first. 

The sooner you get a hold of your people pleasing tendencies and shift your capacity to give into yourself, you’ll also be able to step into your power and become fully authentic to heighten your chances for joy and success. 

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” – Brené Brown