One of the greatest joys of humanity is building community and finding your village of people. When
you’re connected with good company, your Big Voice feels uplifted, and comfortable to speak up and be
heard. These meaningful connections help you feel fulfilled, supported, and create a sense of belonging.
It’s such a unique, exciting feeling when you meet someone new who you really like—it almost feels as
though the world opens up to more possibilities, or like you might’ve found a missing puzzle piece, and
you’re envisioning all the things you could do in this new relationship.
Maybe you’re even wondering how well this person will fit in with your friends, family, or colleagues, and
who they might be as a long-term addition to your life—that’s where the Brunch Table Theory comes
into play. Carolyn Steber at Bustle explains that this theory was coined by “Harnidh Kaur, a venture
capitalist and author of an upcoming book about ambition.”

What is “The Brunch Table Theory?”
Essentially, the Brunch Table Theory is a modern, low-stakes litmus test for when you feel that spark of
interest and liking someone—whether the potential is for a new friend, a business partner, or a more
intimate relationship.

The key focus of this theory is to spot the green flags that create sustainable, lasting relationships, rather
than pinpoint all of the red ones. Based on visualizing and imagining—both active and powerful
tools—this theory can help you decide if this person is truly in it for the long-haul, and the right fit in
your life.

Start by picturing your perfect brunch in all its chaotic glory. Imagine a long brunch table at home with
sunlight filtering in through the windows, interposing chatter and some light, uplifting music wafting
through the air laced by scents of warm baked goods, fresh fruit and hot coffee.

Maybe you hear the clinking of silverware against plates, and the voices of all who you hold near and
dear to your heart. Your parents, siblings, best friends, or others close to you—the people who know you
sometimes better than you know yourself, who meet you without judgement and support you through
life.

Now seat this new person, whoever they may be, right in the middle of it all.
What do they do?

Do they shrink under the uncertainty, or introduce themselves and ask questions about others? Do they
act performative and put on a show? Who do they sit next to? What stories do they tell? What do they
quietly observe or respond to instinctively?

According to Steber, the Brunch Table Theory is essentially, “about taking a quick gut check and looking
for a sense of alignment within your new relationships.” This theory removes the performance stress
associated with higher-stakes meetings like a dinner. Brunch is more of a laid-back gathering; an
unhurried version of breakfast and not as formal as lunch.

It’s a great barometer for seeing the version of someone that might show up when you’re surrounded by
all of your non-negotiables—how their mask slips in a space full of people who have your best interests
in mind, and what telling micro-habits are revealed.

While the history of brunch is a bit muddled with time, a core idea emerged, per the Smithsonian:
brunch is to be “cheerful, sociable and inciting.” The modern concept of brunch involves showing up
later in the morning, usually after some extra sleep or exercise, and enjoying the leisure of a slow meal in
good company.

It invites people to show up as they are, take their time and enjoy companionship over a shared
experience.

The Brunch Theory also allows you to test for signs of micro-kindness—giving someone else the last pat
of butter, passing the maple syrup, or sharing pieces of fruit. You’re not looking for grand gestures here,
or ulterior motives and intention wrapped in eloquent rhetoric, but the tiny, seemingly boring or
unnoticeable behaviors that reveal someone’s character.

Why do Small Habits and Behaviors Matter?
About 40% of our daily habits and practices are actually habitual, revealing small characteristics about
us. Our small habits and mannerisms, whether subconscious or conscious, show who we are without the
performative masks we might feel obligated to wear.

These little behaviors reveal character because they act as consistent albeit subconscious indicators of
showing rather than telling our true nature.

Our small characteristics might be simple things like pushing in a chair when you get up from a table,
how we treat service staff, offering to help clean up, or creating conversation that engages everyone
rather than dominating the entire conversation—overall, each small behavior acts as an indicator of who
we are. Micro-habits reveal our sense of respect or integrity, our reliability and consistency, priorities and
values, and even our confidence or emotional state.

With the Brunch Table Theory, you can begin to gauge how someone might act as a guest at a low-stakes
event, how they’ll treat those you value, and how they show respect, if they act honestly, and more.
Remember that the point here is to look for the green flags in someone, not fixate on the red ones.

Remember, It’s Just a Theory
Whoever it is that you’re wanting to invite into your world, it’s important that they fit well if you plan on
spending a lot of time with them, collaborating together toward a common goal, or entrusting them with
your heart.

Start picturing your brunch table—who’s there? What are you eating? What is the mood of the room
like? Listen to your Big Voice and gut instincts as you’re getting to know this new person who you like. It
will help guide you. And better yet, plan a low-stakes brunch to invite people to so you can bring this
theory to life.

Make sure to remember that this is just a theory, meaning it’s just a set of ideas. It isn’t an end-all-be-all,
and it might be as false as it could be true.

Whether or not this new person fits in your world, you still have everyone else seated at your
hypothetical brunch table, and you know yourself best. Put yourself out there, make those new
connections and friendships, and build relationships that are meaningful! You never know what
memories could come from it.